I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
