Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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