Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
