Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize