I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
