So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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