You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
the liver wants what the liver wants
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
