I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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