after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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