I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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