if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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