This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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