apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
be right there i have to get my cape
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
