How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
