Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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