my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he puts the penis in happiness.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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