i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
