I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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