theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
