i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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