Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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