Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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