just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
