when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
