Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
