in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
