You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
