Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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