Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just saw a hot homeless man
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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