First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
