Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
