If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
