weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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