Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
