She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
