she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
