and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
