I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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