I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
