He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
