Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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