I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
