My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
