Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
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