i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
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