im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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