Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
