Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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