Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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