Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
