i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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