It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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