Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You pole danced in your parka.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
