why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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