Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
