this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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