you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
