I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Im part way to drunk.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
