I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
